That's right folks, the ***** of Babylon. Tara Reid. The woman who has single handedly destroyed what was once the greatest sports team in the history of America. No team was more fun to be a fan of than the 2001 New England Patriots. No team EVER. And then trampy Tara Reid came along and ruined the whole thing. I remember watching the Patriots lose two in a row inexplicably. I remember the confusion that swept over me. How is this possible? Then I read the epitaph on the Patriots' tombstone from Bill Simmons, the best sports writer going:
"I'll be honest: These Tom Brady-Tara Reid rumors have me downright petrified. You don't want your starting QB dating anyone who has a dog named "Stoli." I mean, ever."
I sat there dumbfounded. Tom Brady. Tara Reid. I continued in shock. My mind just couldn't comprehend the idea. It was the sports equivalent of learning that your friend died in a car crash. It was so sudden, so unexpected, so tragic. I shook my head, unable to process the thought that was looming in my head: The Patriots are finished. It could have been seconds, or several minutes, I'm not quite sure, but I just sat there with that she-devil Tara Reid staring lustfully at me and that stupid dog mocking me.
You think I'm a complete idiot right? I'm just finding a pathetic excuse to make up for my teams very, very disappointing run? Nope. It's a proven fact that women destroy athletes. Don't believe me, look at this list:
Pete Sampras - One of the greatest tennis players ever. Marries Bridgette Wilson, a.k.a. Veronica Vaughn of Billy Madison, and goes on his worst losing streak ever.
Jason Sehorn - One of the NFL's most promising cornerbacks. Marries actress Angie Harmon and gets at trip to the O.R. for knee surgery.
Dario Franchitti - Wins three car races, finishes third in year-end standings. Starts dating Ashley Judd, and fractures pelvis in a car crash. Is there a spot that you would like to fracture less than your pelvis?
Dennis Rodman - Wins five NBA Championship rings. Marries Carmen Electra, and has added only nose rings since.
Chris Webber - Leads the #1 team in the NBA, Kings, in scoring, rebounds, steals, and blocks. Starts dating Tyra Banks, and goes AWOL against Lakers.
"Iron" Mike Tyson - Do we even need to go over this one? After unifying the World Title, Tyson marries Robin Givens. Afterwards...well, where do we begin? Botched suicide attempt?...Sexual Assault?...Cannibalism?....Pet Tigers?...Insanity?....
So you see this isn't just my imagination. This is cold hard fact. It's a sure trail to destruction when your quarterback starts thinking more about Tara Reid doing this...
...than showing up against the Packer defense. And you see, it's one thing to date someone as a sports star. I mean, after all, some sports players can handle both the women and the game. But when the woman you're dating is Tara Reid, consider your team a top candidate for getting the #1 draft pick. Like a female praying mantis, Tara Reid has a nice history of destroying her significant others. Let's look at some of the poor men she was last seen with...
Tara Reid and Carson Daly
Carson Daly got dumped by Jennifer Love Hewitt, and rebounded with Tara Reid. Subsequent romances for the "MTV Hunk" - he spent last Friday night watching Battle Bots in his sweatpants.
Tara Reid and Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit