And you thought poetry was boring...
I wrote these poems for my Intro to Poetry class, and they were quite a hit. I hope you enjoy these dramatic soliloquies written in iambic pentameter and can pick up the use of catalexis and epistrophe...like I know what any of that is....
by Derek Hanson
Homer Simpson must lose some weight
Or he might die from all he ate,
Losing donuts was very humbling,
And now his stomach keeps on rumbling,
He’s going nuts, he’s filled with fear
That he might have to give up beer,
He’ll miss that liquid cold as ice,
But he must heed the doc’s advice.
He’s realized that there is a bright side
To have his weight more on the light side,
After all, if he’s so large
He won’t look very hot to Marge.
He sees a pastry on the shelf,
He tries, but can’t control himself,
No one would suspect a thing,
If he ate that powdered ring,
It’s nearly gone, almost consumed,
When his wife enters the room,
She gives him a tap to let him know,
His crumb covered mouth then yells out, Doh!
"Don't Be Fooled by the Rocks that I Got, I'm Still, I'm Still a Tramp from the Block"
by Derek Hanson
It sent shockwaves through Hollywood
Just like a giant earthquake,
It was more drama than any
Soap opera writer could make.
Ben Affleck just ruined his life.
His one and only hope is
To come back to his senses
And go dump Jennifer Lopez.
To tell the truth no single soul
Knew what that man was thinking,
But sitting on her ring finger
That pink diamond was twinkling.
It glittered in the flashes
Of the paparazzi’s cameras.
She had all that she wanted now
The nation was enamored.
She smiled her fake smile
As she held on to her new stud,
But no one ever wondered what
Had happened to Chris Judd.
She used him and Puff Daddy
Until nothing was left,
Face it, marrying this girl
Is like the kiss of death.
She gets the men to flock to her
Like it’s their civic duty,
But they’re all mesmerized
By that girls giant ghetto booty.
And so Ben heed my wise advice.
All that I say is true.
You’ll regret it for your whole life
If you ever say “I do.”
Sitting there depressed you’ll say
“I wish I didn’t meet her.
I should have known never to wed
That terrible man-eater.”
And as for J. Lo let me say
That her time is a coming,
She will end up all wrinkled
From excessive L.A. sunning.
She’ll gain some weight, and finally
All the media will stamp
Her as a washed up movie star
Who’s really just a big tramp.