Elijah Wood: Gay Legend

Note: The following article is for entertainment purposes only. It consists of one person's opinion and should not be considered "fact".

TOP 5 Reasons Why I Have Extreme Dislike for Elijah Wood:

1. Elijah appears to be an underground member of the Elton John Limp Wrist Coalition - Face it, people with a Y chromosome don't get much less masculine than this guy. There's got to be something like a 98% chance that he's gay. Some how Elijah Wood actually deceived some people into thinking that he was this teen idol for girls to fawn over. I don't know what's worse, the blatant deception or the fact that a larger percent of the world's population can be duped so easily. To make things clear, I'm not knocking Elijah Wood for being gay. I'm knocking him for putting up the front and trying to come off as straight. If Elijah Wood came out of the closet today, it would be even less shocking than Lance Bass's revelation. So what's the point of hiding?  Hold a press conference, admit you've gone Brokeback, and let those of us whose gaydar has been going off non-stop during your films feel some validation!

2. Elijah Wood has the same orthodontist as Michael Strahan. If there's one physical trait I'm not a big fan of, it's the gap tooth. Sure, some people can't afford to have something like that fixed, but he's a Hollywood star. Go to the dentist.

3. Elijah always ruins the movie he's in. Always. Hey, Deep Impact was doomed from the get-go, but the addition of Elijah Wood caused it to plummet into the TOP 5 Worst Movies of all time.Elijah Wood always plays the dorky kid who becomes the hero, and there's a major flaw with that. You see, when a dork overcomes the odds and saves the day, he needs to actually be cool. For example, in Teen Wolf, Michael J. Fox was the dork who became the hero. As the audience, we liked Michael for who he was to start. So when he turned into the wolf and became the most popular guy in school we were happy for him. Not so with Elijah Wood. When he's the dorky kid, I just can't believe what an unbelievable loser he is, and when he finally becomes the hero it upsets me. No guy that dorky should ever, eeeever become that popular and get a hot girlfriend. Not only does it defy reality, but it makes me upset that someone actually thinks it's possible.

4. Elijah Wood absolutely killed The Lord of the Rings. You have no idea what a big blow was dealt to that movie when he was given the lead role. It went from legendary status to simply good. Some people say he's a good Frodo because hobbit's aren't supposed to be tough. Well that's one thing, but look at the final scene from the Two Towers. When Frodo and Sam are talking about getting stories told about them there's a moment when they look into each other's eyes. And for a second I was ready for the two of them to latch onto each other and start making out. And it wasn't just me, my friends were worried about it too. There's just no need for that in the Lord of the Rings. If there was one lone bright spot to Elijah Wood getting a part in The Lord of the Rings, it was that I was able to root for Frodo to die through the entire trilogy.That definitely added an extra twist to the in-theatre experience.  In the Two Towers, they hinted that he might kick the bucket, which really increased my hopes. Then when that spider had him wrapped up in that cold, lifeless web, in The Return of the King, I started getting giddy. Of course my excitement level and my opinion of the entire trilogy submarined when they had him come back to life. Very, very lame. It was definitely my greatest movie plot disappointment of all time.

5. Elijah Wood doesn't realize he's such a loser. That's the real thing that irks me here. It's one thing to be bad at something and know it. Just like Jimmy Kimmel - he knows he's an awful talk show host, but that's what makes him so great. It's completely another thing to be bad and think you're good. That would be the Jay Leno syndrome. It just boggles my mind that someone lacking all the qualities of being a respectable male could even consider the idea that he's cool.

To make matters worse, Elijah Wood apparently has one of the least intelligent fan bases of any celebrity out there. I promise that these are real unedited copies of actual hate mail that I've received. I know that it's probably hard to believe, but these are 100% authentic. Here's a sampling straight from the genius Elijah Wood supporters:

I am good looking, and most not interested in losers like you, who think they are cool making fun of celeberties (cause everywhere else in the World you seem to be the only person who thinks of celebs the way you do). Their is actually a thing on a site, that shows your site and makes fun of it ! now thats what I call a good site !! - Nichole Squirrel, Age 19

elijah wood is an awsome actor and a hott butiful guy, you must be gay to actually to have a site juging other guys ur just jelous you fagot - Anonymous

NO, DESCRIBE YOU, you are a total geek/loser, what gives you the right to make fun of good actors such as Elijah Wood?.. I should make a site on how I HATE geeks like you, who for fun cant think of anything else to do with their lives but to make fun of someone they don't like.. oh and this thing, I dont know what person would ever want to go out with such an ugly, gay, geeky person like you. (GET A LIFE) - Kary Keo, Age 23

I'm getting to annoyed. I have to stop. Elijah Wood, you are, without a doubt, a legendary loser.